Eurovision Song Contest 2009

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Final Place, Country (link) & My Live Armchair Comments

01. Norway - Little cutie with a cheeky monkey face singing about how he is in love with a fairytale. Lots of violins and the triangle to create a Mr Sandman, 1950s feel. Will probably win because he is so likeable and the song is fun and cheeseball. Standing ovation.

02. Iceland - Proper early 90s power pop, the singer is wearing a 1970s bridesmaid's dress. Crap lyrics but massive key changes. Will make the top 5.

03. Azerbaijan - A couple in terrible white outfits belting out lines like "Always in my mind, always in my heart", "I believe I am addicted to you. In your eyes, I see dreams coming true." Summer feel - can imagine doing this in a Congo line at a cheap holiday resort. Very catchy. Tad Shakira. Ended with "Always, all the time." Will come in top three.

04. Turkey - Sluzzy bellydance pop. Suspicious use of pretty girl at front and then two oldies helping out with vocals. Heavy reliance on wind machine. Easy tune and effective use of hip drops. Crowd loved it.

05. United Kingdom - Lord Webber at white piano, pretty Jade in floaty dress. As she came down stairs, she was nearly brained by a violinist (who really didn't need to be as determined with his long stroke given that all instrumentals are mimed). Biggest power ballad of night. Perhaps too polished and not fun or interesting enough. Standing ovation. Top five unless UK still not popular on the continent.

06. Estonia - Very pretty girl with blunt, shiny fringe in long elegant dress. Lots of cellos, pain, classical emo pop. One to watch.

07. Greece - Former gymnast jumping around to early 90s club music. Very Ricky Martin - white jeans, white tight t-shirt, lots of chest pops and crude hip action with legs spread out. Beaucoup de pointing at crowd and acting out the words with hand gestures. Same stylist as the Russian winner from last year. Copped some nipple action for my troubles.

08. France - Classic French megastar with timeless beauty and a striking (deep) throatiness at end of each line. I feel like I am back in the mid-90s. Strange choice to end with some free dancing when in a classic LBD.

09. Bosnia & Herzegovina - Military folk song by a boy band in marching band outfits.

10. Armenia - Twins in traditional gothic get-up rhyming a load of one-syllable words. Mixture of folk, cabaret and green strobe lighting. Truly do not know how to interpret. Makes absolutely no sense to me. [Got to say this song made more sense to me this morning when I heard it again. What does this mean? Do I need to get back to Oz for some festival rock?]


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20. Germany - Another little man. What's it with little men singing pop? Tight black shirt, shiny silver pants. Does not look interested at all in the female back-up dancers. Burlesque, gay (showtime) pop. Dita Von Teese appearance. What was she thinking? She is trying to seem icy and untouchable at Eurovision. Not on, Dita.

21. Sweden - Hulk Hogan's sister singing pop opera that sounds like an airline commercial. Female back-up dancers in black suits holding masks covered in cut glass. Mind-boggling.

22. Malta - Disney ballad from a larger lady with a fabulous voice. Straight from the Lion King or Cinderella. Will be a quiet achiever.

23. Lithuania - Angry emo boy tries a bit of Juzzie Timberlake. Ends with a flame coming out of palm of hand - gratuitous. Could be something the Euros are into. Wouldn't be surprised if it does well, although perhaps disadvantage to be on first?

23. Spain - Ballroom dancing pop with a traditional Spanish twist. The lyrics and feel are completely unoriginal and will be swallowed up by other acts. Good night Spain. Take a bow now.

25. Finland - White rapper with baseball cap joins diva to produce some irrelevant club number. Even the fire stick guys in the back looked bored.

The song that caused me the most discomfort:

12. The Ukraine - Celina Dion and Christina Aguilera in the worst sense - Skinny singer with short, shredded red dress, long black boots, legs spread apart, fake boobs, gladiators carrying her around. She took to drums and smashed it up. Early 90s pole-dancing music. Central line in song: "I'm your anti-crisis girl." Saw on live Twitter feeds that people thought she was singing "anti-Christ girl". Truly disturbing. Apparently she mortgaged her house to fund the props. Poor dear.

The song that I was secretly hoping would win:

15. Portugal - Happy times song straight from Harold and Maude sound track and reworked for contemporary crowd. Chubby-cutie singer with super voice. Pretty flowers, colours, accordians and traditional dress (traditional dress or all white the two uniforms of the competition). Happiest band of the night.