Elite University Syndrome (EUS)

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Early symptoms:

• Feeling exhausted and inadequate after social interactions with other Elite University students, but not knowing why.

Later symptoms:

• Recognising a growing resentment towards the insatiable ambition and completely unoriginal self-promotion of certain Elite University students, and yet a striking weakness when it comes to doing anything about it.

Signs that you need to go to A&E:

• When all your friends are in fact frenemies, but you can't risk losing them because there's a chance, you think, that they will be able to influence your future status in some way, and one may even become the leader of your home country very soon.

I have protected myself against EUS, not with an inoculation (like doing some NGO work in a developing country or starting pentathalon training), but by staying out of infected areas and wearing a mask; I have been focusing my attention on smaller, intimate dinners and drinks with people I truly like and admire (ie those who are super smart, but relatively cheerful and lazy). But the bug is undoubtedly spreading, making loads of people around me question their intelligence, capabilities and future careers. EUS seems to correlate with flu time (early Spring and late Autumn), but I am sure some arsy stats whizz could isolate more likely variables and let me know (after reliving a recent, hugely successful fundraising event he or she organised of course).